WASHINGTON, D.C. — Despite 160 years of overwhelming evidence that pointed to foul play in the first assassination of an American president, the leaders of the Federal Bureau of Investigation revealed that they had now determined that Abraham Lincoln killed himself.
FBI Director Kash Patel and FBI Deputy Director Dan Bongino disclosed in an interview that, contrary to the widely held conspiracies that have circulated for over a century and a half, they had reviewed the incident and now held the opinion that President Lincoln took his own life.
"People can think whatever they like, but we are confident that it was a suicide," Patel said. "While we may have once believed that it was a homicide, taking all of the evidence into account has brought us to the firm conclusion that President Lincoln killed himself. It's tragic, but these things happen."
Many supporters of the Trump administration were shocked by the revelation, but Bongino concurred with Patel's summation. "It's the only logical explanation," Bongino explained. "Yes, there were people who saw John Wilkes Booth shoot President Lincoln in the back of the head and flee the scene, but that doesn't tell the whole story. We've seen the files. We know what happened. Abraham Lincoln killed himself."
The FBI heads maintained that all of the historic accounts and 16 decades of accepted fact would not deter them from what they now know to be true. "It's as obvious and conclusive as it gets," Patel reiterated. "Sorry, but it's a fact."
At publishing time, the FBI had also released a statement revealing the official stance that President John F. Kennedy's death was the result of his head spontaneously exploding.
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