WASHINGTON, D.C. — After a recent all-night HBO binge session, Dr. Anthony Fauci reportedly called up his friends at the Wuhan Institute to see if they could make him a batch of that gnarly zombie fungus from the series The Last of Us.
"Hey there Chin. It's me, Tony," said the former NIAID Director nervously. "So, I know you guys typically just do virus stuff, but I was watching this TV show last night and saw this fungus thing called 'Cordyceps' that turns people into freaky mushroom zombies. Do you think you could whip me up a batch of that?"
Fauci went on to explain that the fungus must be much more deadly and transmissible than the version from the TV show and that it shouldn't be released into the general population until he confirms Pfizer has a vaccine and he has invested a few million in it. "We have to be really careful on this one. Have you heard of those 'Clicker' zombies? Or those things they call 'Bloaters?' Makes me shudder just thinking about it!" he warned.
Senator Rand Paul reacted to the news, saying: "This is ridiculous! Is he crazy? Why on earth would we need a zombie fungus? What's wrong with this psycho doctor?" Paul was then reprimanded by the Senate Health Committee for his extreme lack of decorum.
At publishing time, several Wuhan locals had reported seeing wet market shoppers with fungi on their heads.
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