WASHINGTON, D.C. - In a special session called to order Friday, Congress voted unanimously to do a complete overhaul of Father's Day, renaming the holiday "Toxic Masculinity Awareness Day" and redefining the day's meaning to encourage citizens to heap shame and disgust on all fathers, current or potential.
Americans across the country excitedly prepared to celebrate the updated holiday designed to shame fathers and all things masculine as the weekend approached.
"It was just time," said House Speaker Paul Ryan, citing the high numbers of depression and anxiety among men as "a good sign things are progressing in the right direction, but we still have a lot of work to do before all men, everywhere do the right thing and hate themselves with the appropriate level of vehemence." The new initiative seeks to have all men wailing in the streets in sackcloth and ashes, flagellating and weeping with shame and regret for their harmful, problematic masculinity.
The rewritten holiday guidelines suggest cancelling any gift orders for cigars or plans to take dad out for steak and instead sitting dad on the floor in the living room and repeatedly shaming him for being part of the problem, saying things like "Take that money you were going to spend on a beard trimmer and instead donate it to women's rights." The government also established an associated website, ToxicFathersDay.gov, where you can download a free card to give your father that reads, "This isn't your day any more. Do better."
Other gift suggestions include an endangered fish donation in your father's name, pouring out beer for those affected by toxic masculinity, and tickets to a male reeducation ceremony held deep in the Cascade mountain range.