CHICAGO, IL — Leadership of the largest Lutheran church body in the United States, the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America, clarified in a statement this week that any similarity in their beliefs to the beliefs of the historic reformer Martin Luther is purely coincidental.
"We are a church that is deeply rooted in always being made new, in an eternal spring of mind-renewal that forever blossoms into transformative ways of ethereal mystic knowing, just like immigrant Jesus said when he was marching for the reproductive rights of drag queens," the ELCA's official statement read. "Any similarity to the teaching of scripture or Martin Luther is not intended and purely coincidental."
The statement continued, "People have this misunderstanding that because we have ‘Lutheran' in the name that means we believe what Martin Luther believed on subjects like sin, repentance, Scripture, and all the rest. We're pretty sure that if Martin Luther could see what we are doing now with his name on the church building, he would barf. LOL."
Sources confirmed several leaders in the ELCA have begun to question whether it's even a good idea to be associated with Luther anymore. "Luther was a small-minded bigot," said a tattooed Reverend Eliza Beth Sprinkles in praising the denominational statement. "Martin Luther was always reforming, but he didn't quite go far enough. That's why we continue to reform and renew by ditching problematic things like Martin Luther and the Bible."
"Love is love is love is love is love is love is whatever I want it to be, which means nothing. So beautiful! That's the only scripture we need!"
At publishing time, the ELCA put out another statement confirming any similarities to the teachings of Christ were also coincidental.
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