Economists Confirm We Got No Food, No Jobs, Pets' Heads Are Falling Off
Finance

U.S.—Economists are warning that on its current trajectory, the U.S. will have no food, no jobs, and our pets' heads will soon be falling off. As the supply crisis worsens and Americans are still refusing to return to work, concerns have been raised that our pets—whether dogs, cats, or parakeets—will soon find their heads are falling off.

"That's it! I've had it with this dump!" cried economist Dr. Earl Brendon at a recent meeting of economists, who met to discuss nerdy economist stuff. "Current data indicates that, due to the supply crisis, we got no food. Furthermore, because no one is working thanks to the governments' handouts, mandates, and lockdowns, we got no jobs. Add all this up, and the situation is looking dire. That's right. By Q1 next year, it appears our pets' heads will be falling off."

Economists are recommending that you find a briefcase with a million dollars in it and just promise to pay it back with I.O.U.s, or else just go "someplace warm, where the beer flows like wine and beautiful women instinctively flock like the women of Capistrano." Aspen seems to fit the description.

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