WASHINGTON, D.C. — In the first major gaffe of her campaign, a heavily inebriated Kamala Harris accidentally chose the wrong Jewish guy named "Shapiro" as her Vice Presidential running mate.
"Come on up here Ben! Haha you and your adorable yarmulka hahaha," laughed Harris at the press conference. "I thought you wore glasses? Whatever. Woo, Pennsylvania is ours!"
According to sources, Harris was quite defensive when campaign aides pointed out her slight error. "Geez, lay off," said Harris, holding herself up with a parking meter. "He's white, Jewish, and named 'Shapiro.' I was pretty dang close. How different can they really be?"
Though initially caught off guard by the announcement, Ben Shapiro sent shockwaves through the political landscape by accepting the nomination. "Am I going to need massive amounts of valium to tolerate being around Kamala? Sure. Will I have to rupture my own eardrums? Definitely," explained Shapiro. "Still, it will be worth it to be the proverbial hacker, destroying the Democratic empire from the inside. Speaking of hackers, don't forget to stop over at Express VPN and use promocode 'BEN4VP' for 20% off your first three months of ultra-secure internet."
At publishing time, Harris had reportedly asked Shapiro if he "could, like, talk way slower."
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
