BOSTON, MA — Dozens of significant injuries have been reported at the "No Kings" rally today after a multi-scooter pileup as the protest crossed Tremont Street.
Nearby trauma centers were reportedly inundated with patients who had suffered broken hips and femurs due to the collision. Area hospitals were also dealing with a mass wave of rallygoers suffering various levels of bowel and urinary incontinence.
"It's old-person Armageddon out here," said emergency physician Lee Bockelman. "There are shattered hips and leaking bladders everywhere. I've never seen anything like that. They don't train you for this kind of mass casualty event."
Healthcare officials accused rally organizers of negligence, stating that no one had considered the risks of having so many elderly people attempt to march through the streets. "I've never seen this many geriatrics concentrated in such a small area. What were they thinking?" said nurse Julia Mendoza. "There is pee, poo, and busted hips as far as the eye can see. We're getting overwhelmed."
At publishing time, the Chicago "No Kings" rally was shut down after several injuries were reported in a brutal collision of walkers on tennis balls.
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