PLANO, TX — In a show of solidarity with the LGBTQ+ community, Doritos has taken bold steps to build strategic business relationships with trans influencers. Following a lucrative partnership with trans influencer Samantha Hudson, Doritos excitedly announced their new spokesperson as Jared from Subway.
"The two snack-loving pedo-influencers are perfect fits to show that Doritos is an ally," said a publicist for the chip brand, "Since pedophilia is obviously huge in the trans community, we believe we've hit the jackpot with these strategic partnerships."
While Samantha Hudson expressed concerns at being overshadowed by a fellow pedophile of such popularity, she could not be reached for comment due to the ongoing investigation into her comment about violence towards children. Jared Fogle, new Doritos spokesman and current resident of cell block 13 in Englewood Federal Correctional Facility, could also not be reached for comment.
At publishing time, Anheuser-Busch had released a new line of Bud Light cans with labels reading, "We Don't Endorse Pedophiles Please Buy Us."
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
