BURBANK, CA — Studio executives at Disney have been left dumbfounded by the enormous success of Universal's The Super Mario Bros. Movie, which has inexplicably made over $1 billion dollars worldwide despite not featuring any trans goombas anywhere in the film.

"It just doesn't make any sense!" complained one Disney bigwig. "They're raking in over a billion, and their movie doesn't even have a gay Koopa Troopa couple in it. How is that possible? In order to make that type of money, I would expect them to have Birdo be bisexual, or at least have Luigi re-imagined as a non-binary woman of color. How did they do this?!"

Disney has struggled in recent years as allegations of pushing a progressive social agenda through their programming aimed at children have drawn heavy criticism, leading to calls for boycotts and declining revenue. Studio executives have balked at the claims that this agenda is to blame for the downturn in business. "Oh please," said another producer. "If anything, we haven't done enough to push our agenda! If the public isn't ready for LGBTQ+ themes and characters, we'll make them ready for it!"

Though it opts for straightforward, solid, family-oriented entertainment rather than wokeness, Mario has somehow shown itself to be tremendously popular with the general public. "It's an anomaly," said a third Disney executive. "Everyone knows you have to have a gay character in every scene to make money."

At publishing time, Disney was believed to be digging in its heels, preparing for the Marvel Cinematic Universe introduction of the X-men, which will now be a team of post-op trans women.

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