WASHINGTON, D.C. — With President Biden's poll numbers continuing to fall and projections for November's elections looking grim, desperate Democrats called the January 6 buffalo guy on the phone to see if he'd be willing to stage another insurrection.
"Yes, is this Jacob Chansley? Yes, I'd like to order an insurrection," Nancy Pelosi said to the infamous QAnon Shaman. "I know we've been saying insurrections are bad and stuff, but things are looking ugly for us and we've tried just about everything we can do to turn it around, but it's not good."
"If you could maybe overthrow the government and force Biden to step down or at least raise a ruckus at the Capitol to help get our poll numbers up, that would be so great."
Latest polling numbers indicated Biden would face an uphill battle across key battleground states, leaving Democrats at a crossroads as to what to do if Biden continued to refuse to step down. Closed-door meetings with party leadership led to the conclusion that inciting an insurrection was the only option left. "It's exactly what we need," Pelosi said. "It's pretty simple. We put one together once before, so I'm sure we could do the same thing again. Some crafty planning, a few undercover FBI agents to stir the pot. We just have to get those MAGA people on board."
At publishing time, Democrats refused to comment on rumors they had also called Ray Epps to help out.
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