U.S. — According to sources, the Democrat Party quietly revised their process for vetting prospective candidates by first asking them if they've ever raped anyone.
Following the surprise implosion of would-be senator Graham Platner, Democrats reportedly added a new question to the typical questionnaire they give every prospective candidate: Have you ever raped anyone?
"Forgetting to ask about the rape thing is really coming back to bite us," said Ken Martin, head of the Democratic National Committee. "It always catches us off guard. I really think adding a brief screening to see if potential candidates have committed felonious sexual assault might be wise. I think we can learn a lot from that."
Political strategists applauded the DNC for finally asking candidates if they'd ever raped anyone, but warned that some people — especially politicians — lie. Without at least performing a cursory investigation, it's likely a rapist could still become the nominee for a major political office. But not to worry, said DNC officials, because they've included a follow up question: If your answer is no, why not? Please answer in complete sentences.
At publishing time, Republicans had quietly updated their vetting process to ask candidates if they are clinically dead.
Rumors swirl about the current condition of Senator Mitch McConnell, but his staff have come out to say that even if he were dead he will still be able to finish his term.
