NEW YORK CITY — A screaming Sonny Hostin fled in terror after rounding the corner in the grocery store only to come face-to-face with a shelf of Pillsbury American flag cookie dough.
Hostin, longtime host on The View, cried out for help as she ran from the horrifying sight of the American flag imprinted onto sugar and flour.
"AHHHHHH! Help, help! I'm in danger!" Hostin yelled as she ran shrieking down the aisle. "The flag, it tried to hurt me. There were stars, and stripes, and a fat white boy. All white, like a ghost! Someone save me!"
According to witnesses, Hostin cowered in the produce section behind a table of cucumbers while an assistant manager went to check out the apparent danger.
"What did he look like?" yelled the manager to Hostin.
"He was chubby! Delightfully chubby, but with evil flags everywhere that wanted to kill me," cried Hostin.
After several confused moments, the assistant manager returned with a box of Pillsbury Shape™ Flag Cookie Dough. "Um... is this what you saw?" he asked gently.
At publishing time, Hostin had fled the grocery store while dialing 9-1-1 to report a vicious hate crime.
Behold! Woke Jesus is teaching when the Pharisees bring to him a woman caught in adultery. Listen and learn from this cherished Bible story about how Woke Jesus turned to intersectionality.
