WASHINGTON, D.C.—President Joe Biden has a lot of ambitious, Marxist goals for government, such as installing full Communism and making Christianity illegal, but he faces one problem: His plans are against the Constitution, because they’re evil and wrong.
Congressional Democrats have a plan, though: pack the court full of illiterate justices who can’t read the Constitution and thus won’t be influenced by it.
“We want to add four justices,” explained Representative Jerry Nadler, a sponsor of the bill to add justices to the Supreme Court. “We hope that will be enough to counteract those who actually pay attention to the Constitution. But we’re going to be extra careful this time, because sometimes even the liberal justices will say, ‘The Constitution doesn’t allow that,' and we’ll be like, ‘Why did you even read that thing?!’ With these new justices, that could never happen.”
According to the bill, any new justices will have to completely fail a reading test to qualify for the bench. They will also need to pass a questionnaire making sure they have progressive values. Questions are along the lines of, “Do you like free stuff?” and, “If you’re really sure you think you know better than someone else, should you be able to force them to do whatever you want?”
Republicans are vehemently opposed to this bill. “This is just wrong,” said Senator Ted Cruz. “You can’t add illiterate justices to the Supreme Court. How could these justices relate to the average American if they haven’t read the latest Marmaduke?” Cruz thought about it some. “I guess they could still get some enjoyment out of the pictures.”