WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sources from Capitol Hill report that Democrats in Congress fled en masse at the sight of a Jew standing up to talk.
At the sight of the Jewish man preparing to say words out loud, Vice-President Harris ran fleeing from the Capitol along with several other Democrat leaders including Congresswomen Omar, Pressley, and Ocasio-Cortez.
"RUN FOR YOUR LIVES, IT'S A JEW!" Congresswoman Ilhan Omar warned her fellow Democrats, pulling her emergency Hamas burqa out from under her desk. "He's going to speak, too! Get out if you value your life! From the river to the sea, Palest — OUTTAMYWAY HE JUST LOOKED AT ME!!"
Capitol doormen are reporting several injuries from Democrats who got squished as the foaming, antisemitic mass poured through the doors of the Capitol hearing room. Despite suffering a nearly paralyzing injury to her little finger, however, Rep. Ocasio-Cortez managed to summon the courage to appear on the news protesting the speaker.
"This is absolutely unacceptable — as a Democrat, I can no longer stand by and listen to this Jewish person speak in the hallowed halls of the Capitol," AOC noted, nursing the Hello Kitty band aid on her finger. "He's literally Jewish and he's trying to say words! This is literal genocide!!"
At publishing time, a group of Democrat members of Congress had been spotted on the outskirts of the District of Columbia, waiting for the all-clear to come back into the city.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
