U.S. — Democrats across the country announced that they would be celebrating the Juneteenth holiday by giving their slaves an extra 5-minute break during the day.
"Happy Juneteenth!" Nancy Pelosi told the illegal immigrant that she pays under the table. "Why don't you take an extra five minutes to celebrate quietly with your kids. Then, it's back to work!"
Democrats, known for their history of slave ownership, chose to take the entire day for quiet reflection as they remembered how slaves in Texas were finally told they were free two years after the Emancipation Proclamation signed by Republican President Abraham Lincoln had already done so.
"The world really is a different place now," Gavin Newsom told the minority family he was paying a dollar to pick his orange trees. "It really makes you think, you know? Just a quick break, though, ok?"
Though Juneteenth was still a young federal holiday marked by scattered parades and gatherings, Democrats expressed hope that it would eventually catch on among all of the brown people they employ to work on their estates.
"I think if I get Jorge to build me a nice gazebo at cost, then next year I can host a lovely party celebrating the human dignity of all people," said Pelosi.
At publishing time, Democrats reminded their slaves of the dangers of voting for the party that freed them.
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