WASHINGTON, D.C. — In addition to calling for Secretary of War Pete Hegseth to resign due to his oversight of military drone strikes against drug boats, Democrats also accused Luke Skywalker of war crimes for using more than one proton torpedo against the Death Star.
The criticism arose after the young rebel pilot destroyed the Galactic Empire's new superweapon, as Democratic leaders blasted him for going far beyond the level of force necessary and firing two proton torpedoes into the Death Star's exhaust port.
"Totally unnecessary and uncalled for," said Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer. "One proton torpedo, we could accept. But two? This type of wanton violence is strictly forbidden under the commonly accepted rules of war. While there are acts of aggression in every conflict, this uncivilized farm boy from Tatooine engaged in conduct that is reprehensible, regardless of whatever harmful acts the Empire may or may not have perpetrated. We're calling for a full investigation into this Skywalker individual, along with this entire "Rebel Alliance' insurgency group. They have to be held accountable."
Other Democrats in Congress echoed Jeffries's sentiments. "This was a war crime, pure and simple," argued Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. "These predominantly white ‘rebels' not only carried out a terrorist act against a government installation but did it with a level of bloodthirsty violence that violates international — and probably intergalactic — law. This Skywalker person and his friends are constantly talking about fighting for freedom. He sounds like another one of Trump's MAGA terrorists if you ask me."
At publishing time, an Obama-appointed federal judge had ordered the Death Star to be rebuilt.
Heartwarming!
