AUSTIN, TX — Senate candidate James Talarico suddenly disappeared from the campaign trail last week after Democratic strategists realized that he is James Talarico.
With Democrats holding a shocking lead in statewide Texas races, political operatives pulled Talarico off the campaign, hoping to hide the fact that he is James Talarico.
"The one thing that could sink this campaign is Texans meeting James Talarico," said Democratic strategist Kelly Hutchins. "He is so friggin' weird. Have you heard the stuff that comes out of that guy's mouth? Completely insane, even for us. We believe the winning strategy is to simply keep James Talarico from ever campaigning for James Talarico."
Mystery surrounded Talarico's sudden absence during the final month of the campaign, but surveys showed that the strategy was working. "It's pretty simple. People will vote for James as long as they don't know who he is," said pollster Graham Kitchens. "The campaign just has to hide who he is and everything he's ever said and done. He really is just the worst. But as long as he stays out of view, they've got a great shot."
At publishing time, Talarico had asked his political handlers if the giant padlock on the door of the basement he was being kept in was really necessary.
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