WASHINGTON, D.C. — The political party most known for championing representation of women and minorities throughout all walks of life shifted gears temporarily today, as Democratic senators came out in opposition to diversity for one day only.
The diversity, equity, and inclusion that typically serve as a pillar of the Democratic Party were briefly cast aside today in an all-out effort to prevent a woman and a brown man from obtaining prominent positions within the federal government.
"We're pumping the brakes on all the diversity talk for today," said Arizona Senator Mark Kelly. "It's always important to us to advance the cause of underrepresented groups when filling jobs… just not today. We're not nearly as excited about putting a woman in an important government position today as we normally are. Tulsi Gabbard belongs in the kitchen making sandwiches. If we can get a Democrat back in the White House, that will be the time to push for diversity in cabinet positions."
Members of the Senate Judiciary Committee tasked with questioning FBI Director nominee Kash Patel shared the same sentiments. "I think it's best to appoint a white man for the job this time around," said Senator Cory Booker. "Having people from minority backgrounds appointed to high-level government positions should always be celebrated… but not today. Today, we need to keep the brown man down."
At publishing time, Democrats assured the American people that their commitment to promoting diversity, inclusivity, and representation for women and minorities would resume as soon as Donald Trump was no longer president.
Travis is back on his mission to interview everyone. Next on the list is celebrity chef and restaurateur Andrew Gruel.
