WASHINGTON, D.C. - Politicians in Washington are growing increasingly nervous, as the CDC has announced they have discovered the first case of Lizardpox on American shores.
"Thisss issss just terrible," said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi while eyeing a housefly buzzing around Adam Schiff's head. "For the lizards, I mean. Terrible for the lizards. I definitely don't know any lizards personally but I hope they're ssssssafe."
Pelosi then turned to snap at the fly only to discover Congressman Jerry Nadler was already munching on it.
The CDC insists Lizardpox is no threat to humans, but they are recommending a complete lockdown of the nation's capital just to be safe. "Lizardpox is a sexually transmitted disease that spreads among lizards whenever they have orgies," said CDC Director Bob CDC. "...Not that there are any lizard orgies happening in Washington D.C., that's just silly."
After inquiring of the CDC, Senator Mitch McConnell was relieved to be told the virus doesn't affect turtles.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
