KEYSTONE, SD — In a historic victory for American infrastructure, the Department of the Interior announced the successful installation of a 50,000-square-foot data center within Mt. Rushmore that can be accessed through Teddy Roosevelt's mustache.
Engineers confirmed the project was greenlit after tech companies realized the standard practice of building massive, water-cooled server farms on pasture land may have a negative impact on the surrounding environment. The experts argued that building the centers in the former president's mustache offered natural, high-density geologic insulation perfectly suited for cooling AI clusters.
"Teddy would have loved this," said project director Marcus Vance, standing near a fiber-optic cable snaking out of Roosevelt's left nostril. "He was a visionary man, a man of action, and frankly, it takes a lot of processing power to stream 4K video. This place is the perfect natural environment for a data center."
Environmentalists raised concerns about the heat generated by millions of graphic processing units humming behind the monument's facade. However, federal officials noted that the slight, ambient steam rising from Roosevelt's mustache only makes him look "authentically rugged and stately."
At publishing time, tech support was dealing with a massive system crash after a nesting bald eagle accidentally disconnected a mainframe cable within Roosevelt's mustache.
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