CHATTANOOGA, TN — Local dad Darryl Cochran took his son Jason to the mall for a history lesson about how his forefathers shopped for clothing.
"I know it's hard to believe, but we used to actually walk inside stores," explained Mr. Cochran wistfully. "Then, we paid for clothes with something called 'cash'. This will be like going in a time machine, son!"
After steering clear of the drug deals happening at the mall's entrance, Mr. Cochran showed his son the mall directory. "Wow, look at this primitive map!" he exclaimed. "Alright Jason, see if you can use this incredibly archaic number system to figure out where the store is that you'd like to go to. You'll chart your course from the little 'you are here' icon. Beware of the mall walkers on your path - they stop for nothing!"
Along the way, Jason stopped to ask his father about the eclectic collection of fast-food restaurants he had never heard of. "You see son, this is called a 'Food Court'. Have you never heard of Sbarro's?" asked Mr. Cochran. "Ah, there's nothing like a slice of Sbarro's pizza with a bowl from China Wok. That will have to wait, though. First, we have to perform an ancient ritual called 'trying on' clothing. Are you ready?"
At publishing time, Mr. Cochran was demonstrating to his son the age-old practice of counting the floor tiles to keep your eyes down while walking past the Victoria's Secret store.
Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.