Cute Baby Does Satan's Work By Distracting Churchgoers In Pew Behind Him
Church · Jun 26, 2023 ·

KANSAS CITY, MO — Satan was reportedly pleased this past weekend after an adorable little baby unintentionally served his dark will by distracting people in the pew behind him at a local church and preventing them from hearing the sermon.

"Yes…excellent work, child," the Great Deceiver said while rubbing his hands together. "It could be disastrous for me if those people were to hear the truth about Jesus and come to saving faith in Him. My plan to keep them preoccupied and unable to focus on the sermon by placing them behind you worked perfectly. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!"

Witnesses reported the baby, young Levi Kelly, was simply too cute for the attendees of Bellicose Church sitting behind him to ignore. "I mean, look at him," said fellow churchgoer Delanie Lewis. "He's so cute! Look at those squishy cheeks! I don't have a clue what the preacher's message was about today, but wow do I want to hold that snuggly little baby! Aghhh!"

When reached for comment, a representative from Heaven expressed frustration. "Look, our God is omnipotent, and He'll eventually save the people he wants to save," said the angelic spokesperson. "But yeah, He may have actually made that baby a little too good-looking.

At publishing time, the church's leaders had pulled the Kellys aside and told them they would be required to sit in the back of the sanctuary from now on to minimize any opportunities their cute little baby may have to inadvertently prevent people from hearing the gospel.

When guns are finally banned in the coming utopia, you may still need to defend yourself on the rare occasion.

Subscribe to our YouTube channel for more tactical instruction

Ready to join the conversation? Subscribe today.

Access comments and our fully-featured social platform.

Sign up Now

You must signup or login to view or post comments on this article.