ASHEBORO, NC—In a solemn prayer event Sunday evening, parishioners somberly gathered at Main Ave Baptist Church and begged God to finally remove their pastor's spiritual gift of peppering every sermon, conversation, and Bible study with groan-inducing puns.
"Lord, if it be your will, take this cup from us," said one elderly prayer warrior. "Yet not as we will, but as you will, Lord. If you would like this trial to continue a little longer, so be it. But please spare us soon, because I can't take much more of this."
The pastor's spiritual gift was seen as charming at first, but it quickly began to grate on churchgoers' nerves. In a series on the book of Genesis preached over the last several months, Pastor Mike pointed out that Cain couldn't please God "because He wasn't Abel," and that if Abraham and Isaac were to build a computer together, the Hebrew patriarch would have told his son that "God will provide the RAM."
"He even called our church's coffee shop 'Hebrews.' Ugh," said another church member. "We appreciate his creativity and passion to use his spiritual gift of dank puns for God, but enough is enough."
At publishing time, Pastor Mike had sent out the church newsletter teasing next month's Exodus study entitled "Pharaoh In De Nile."