GALILEE — With controversy erupting over allegations that weather patterns and catastrophic storms are somehow generated and controlled from behind the scenes by a specific people group, conclusive evidence came to light of a Jew controlling the weather.
The shocking reports circulated later this afternoon with authorities inundated with thousands upon thousands of anonymous tips that there were documented accounts of a Jewish carpenter who openly displayed full control over a violent storm.
"It's true. All of it. There's a detailed description of one of them doing it," one man said on the condition of anonymity. "Apparently he and his friends were on a fishing trip one night when a big storm came up out of nowhere. Then, believe it or not, this Jewish guy just stands up and exerts complete and total control over the storm and basically turns it off like he was flipping a switch. And people will still try to say this type of thing is just some crazy conspiracy."
Though many people have laughed at similar accusations in recent years, this specific report seemed to be gaining traction. "This same Jew allegedly had authority over all kinds of other things as well," the witness said. "You've heard all the crazy ‘theories' and thought they were debunked, but evidence even suggests this Jew had his hand in a lot of other stuff. Manipulation of the food supply… secret methods of wine production… even providing quick and efficient healthcare to sick people. Wild stuff."
At publishing time, reports had even surfaced that this same Jew had power over sin and death.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
