BROOKLYN, NY—Shortly after locking up the Democratic nomination, presidential candidate Hillary Clinton began dropping a few sly hints as to who she may nominate to key positions in her prison gang upon her likely incarceration this fall.
“I’m not saying it’s a sure thing, but One-Eyed Martha from Cell Block D seems like a no-brainer for Secretary Of Bribery And Coercion,” Clinton said in an interview with CNN Wednesday afternoon. “She’s got a real eye for shady dealing and underhanded tactics—no pun intended, of course. Sweet gal.” One-Eyed Martha was not available for comment, as she was serving two weeks in solitary confinement for stabbing another convict in the communal showers, though she will certainly be delighted to hear she is being considered for this coveted office.
Another highly sought-after position in Clinton’s future prison gang is the Secretary Of Black Market Commerce, and no small number of incarcerated women have thrown their do-rags into the ring for this role—but Clinton wasn’t quite ready to let the cat out of the bag on who would be managing her robust cigarette trade, drug acquisition and distribution programs, and frequent contraband deals after her quick, devastating rise to power in the criminal justice system.
“We have a shortlist of savvy, qualified female convicts to serve on our prison gang cabinet, but we’re not ready for any official announcement this time,” the former Secretary of State and future convict said. She did indicate the gang is tentatively named, “I’m With Her,” barring a catchier idea before her incarceration for jeopardizing national security and lying under oath.
Though Clinton would not confirm or deny the names, CNN claims an anonymous source within her campaign leaked a list of qualified persons being considered for cabinet positions after Hillary is convicted and imprisoned for egregiously violating federal security laws. The unconfirmed list included “Lil’ J. J.” from Cell Block A, recent murder convict “Killah Kell,” and a dark-horse known as “Harriett,” who is standing trial for embezzlement and nine other counts of fraud this summer.
“We’re going to fight this investigation all the way,” Clinton promised. “But whether I’m free or locked up at this time next year, I intend to reign with an iron fist, and to that end it’s very important that I surround myself with trustworthy people—people who are loyal, capable, and always ready to commit gruesome acts of violence against anyone who dares to oppose me, without a second’s hesitation.”
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