FIJI — All across the island nation of Fiji, citizens have taken to drinking delicious, freedom-filled bottles of "AMERICA Water."
"Wow, look at this bottle of water from another country. Delicious!" said Fiji resident Tevita Singh. "Mmm..tastes like liberty."
According to sources, the indigenous Fijian people strongly prefer "AMERICA Water" to other water, serving it as a luxury item at a premium price. "It's not just water. It's AMERICA," explained Fijian warrior Sunil Prasad. "Look at the bald eagle on the bottle. You take a sip, and you can just instantly envision yourself transported to America, surveying a cornfield in Nebraska or watching a rodeo in Texas. So tasty!"
Sources from inside the company behind "AMERICA Water" report that the water comes out of an unfiltered tap in Houston. "Look at this incredible artesian water flowing clean out of this Kohler faucet," said employee Dan McCall. "To get the full AMERICA experience, we put every drop of this crystal water in recyclable bottles made in China, with every bottle cap hand-tightened right here in the United States."
At publishing time, surveys reported that Fiji and America both agreed that Dasani water is best used for pouring directly into a toilet.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
