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U.S. — In a long-awaited declassification of government documents related to one of the most monumental events in American history, newly released CIA files revealed that President John F. Kennedy was killed by seed oils.
The thousands of previously classified files provided a detailed account of the who, how, and why of Kennedy's death, confirming long-speculated conspiracies that humanity's most deadly killer — seed oils — took the life of the popular 35th president.
"It appears JFK consumed so much seed oil that one day it overloaded his system and made his head explode," said one medical expert. "We've heard of things like that happening."
"It's been them all along. How could we have been so blind?" asked investigative journalist Dean Renfroe, who has dedicated his life to solving the mystery behind the JFK assassination. "There were some people who pointed the finger at seed oils decades ago, but everyone called them crazy conspiracy theorists. Now, we finally have confirmation. It wasn't the Russians. It wasn't the CIA. It wasn't even Lee Harvey Oswald. It was canola oil."
When reached for comment, Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy Jr. was simultaneously relieved to know the truth and resolute in his mission. "I will not rest until these seed oils are held accountable for what they've done," he said. "Ever since I was a boy, I suspected that seed oils were behind my uncle's death. It's time for the truth to come out and for justice to be served. You tell the seed oils I'm coming, and hell's coming with me."
At publishing time, a new conspiracy had been proposed that the seed oils had been working in tandem with communists within the United States to get rid of Kennedy and spend the next 60 years making Americans fat and unhealthy.
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