BEND, OR — The leaders of River of Life Church were bewildered that the congregation's men appeared to be struggling spiritually more than ever despite the church holding a quarterly pancake breakfast.
Though the men of the church had gathered early on a Saturday morning once every three months for many years, it seemingly provided no relief to the stresses and downtroddenness they were carrying with them in their lives.
"I don't understand it," said Mitch Hogan, a church member who felt called to lead the group. "Every quarter, without fail, we have a pancake breakfast. Everyone's here. These men should have reached perfect peace and righteousness by this point."
Though no consensus is present among theologians on the subject, many church leaders believe men should no longer feel spiritually burdened when they have access to free pancakes. Yet, somehow, the men of the River of Life Church have continued to struggle.
"These pancakes are good, but I could use an actual Bible study," reflected Norman Painter, a husband and father of four. "I feel so beaten down by life. What can I do? Oh well... I guess I'll go get another stack."
Hogan, after overhearing Painter's plight, had just the remedy. "We need more syrup over here, Janice."
Church leadership has maintained that the Bible is a blessing from the Lord and is always with us for constant correction and guidance, but pancakes only happen quarterly, and the brethren need to be more appreciative.
"Maybe that's the problem," Pastor Roberts said. "These men don't appreciate pancakes enough."
At publishing time, several men whose lives were falling apart expressed gratitude for at least having a place to come every three months for a free breakfast.
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