Church Leadership Board Approves Baptism Boosters
Church · Oct 31, 2021 ·

TUSCALOOSA, AL - The leadership of 4th Baptist Church in Tuscaloosa has just approved baptism "boosters" for their entire congregation starting at 5 years old. Elders believe these boosters will be at least 70% effective at saving those who weren't quite saved after their first and second baptisms. 

"We recommend people attend this year's week-long revival and get their boosters," said head pastor Dale Smithers. "Sometimes the first baptism doesn't quite do the trick and it's always best to be safe! AAA-MEN? AMEN!"

Sources say teens are best protected against eternal damnation in the lake of fire, as they routinely get booster baptisms every year at summer camp. The elderly are most at risk, however, as many of them can barely remember their baptisms, and some weren't even baptized by full immersion.

"We trust we'll have strong attendance for boosters this year," said Smithers. "We invite you to attend our services, celebrate the 'old paths' with us, get dunked again, just in case!"

A Babylon Bee subscriber contributed to this report. If you want to pitch your own headline ideas to our staff, click here to check out all of our membership options!

Ready to join the conversation? Subscribe today.

Access comments and our fully-featured social platform.

Sign up Now