WASHINGTON, D.C. — Senator Chuck Schumer reportedly spent Memorial Day alone with his thoughts after having killed all of his backyard barbecue guests the previous year by serving them raw hamburger beef infected with E. coli.
During a disastrous Father's Day BBQ in 2025, Chuck Schumer fed his guests raw hamburgers after admitting he thought that's how burgers were made. He's been carrying the guilt ever since.
"How was I supposed to know that serving raw meat was deadly?" neighbors heard Schumer saying as he stared sadly at his grill. "Eating burgers that way has never hurt me, and I've been doing it for years."
Officially, Schumer blamed his newfound loneliness on President Donald Trump and his healthcare policies. But deep inside his black heart lies a weeping child who desperately wishes he could turn the clock back and learn to cook hamburgers properly.
"Poor people cook hamburgers all the time. Why can't I do it?" he reportedly said as he cast a stone into the Potomac River. He gazed thoughtfully at the ripples it made and thought about those he lost in the last year due to E. coli poisoning.
When asked about his Memorial Day plans, Schumer admitted he had none. "I will spend the day in remembrance for those I killed," he said. "And coming up with a way to blame it on Trump."
At publishing time, Schumer was seen by witnesses gorging himself on raw hamburger meat, hoping that the next bite would reunite him with his friends.
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