PEARLY GATES — According to Heavenly sources, Saint Peter had an unexpected run-in this week with a self-proclaimed Christian nationalist, who asked the apostle to kindly direct him to the "whites-only" section of Heaven.
Christian nationalist Robert Longstreet was killed Tuesday when his homemade bourbon distillery exploded, bringing him one step closer to all-Caucasian Heaven. Or so he thought.
"Which way to the eternal white utopia?" Longstreet asked, prompting Saint Peter to once again dig around behind his desk for the prepared script he reads to all Christian nationalists.
Peter, who had been checking names against the Book of Life for almost 2,000 years, said dealing with Christian nationalists never gets any easier. "Some of them have a sudden pang of guilt as they approach the pearly gates," he said. "The facade of their worldly life fades away, and they remember that God doesn't see how man sees. He looks at the heart. But others, like Robert Longstreet, believe there must be an exclusive part of Heaven reserved only for whites. Like the elite membership level of a day spa."
Longstreet was reportedly shocked to learn that Heaven is unsegregated, with people from all nations, tribes, and tongues all living together in the type of harmony that he found detestable on Earth. "I thought Heaven was supposed to be perfect," he scoffed. "But there are people here who aren't white Americans. Some of them might even be Jews."
At publishing time, Robert Longstreet found a nice spot reserved for him in an all-white suburb of Hell.
How could we have missed all these?
