Politics
China Impressed By Michigan Governor's Totalitarian Policies

BEIJING—In a candid speech Tuesday, President Xi Jinping stated he was "pretty impressed" by Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer's handling of the coronavirus outbreak, specifically praising her totalitarian policies.

China's dictator said he was actually a little jealous he hadn't thought of some of her ideas himself.

"She has some pretty great ideas -- stopping people from gathering together even with their families, ordering people not to buy seeds -- they can't even plant their own food now! We hadn't even thought of some of these innovative approaches," the Communist president said. "We're always looking for more ways to oppress people, and we were really inspired by Whitmer's approach."

"Not bad, Gretchen."

Other dictators across the world also chimed in with words of support and affirmation for Whitmer's policies, from North Korean ruler Kim Jong Un to Supreme Leader of Iran Ali Khamenei.

The Chinese government quickly offered Governor Whitmer a consulting position with the Communist Party of China, which she readily accepted.

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