HENDERSONVILLE, TN — According to sources, a local pediatrician has just wrapped up his round of daily calls with concerned parents in which he assures them their child's cold will only last another 3 to 4 years.

"Oh, she's got a cold, huh? Yeah, she's gonna have that a while," said the doctor to Jon Machel, father of 7-year-old Flora. "In all likelihood, she'll be sick her entire childhood. It will be one continuous chain of cold viruses one after the other, but to you, it will seem like one big sickness."

"Don't worry though, she should make a complete recovery by the time she's in junior high," he added.

Experts confirm that the primary function of children is to carry deadly viruses and puke on things until they reach maturity and leave home. According to their research, the average childhood bug lasts anywhere from 3 to 15 years, depending on how much Pine-Sol parents use.

At publishing time, the Machels' daughter Flora had started to feel better, but their 3-year-old son Michael had fallen sick. Most projections are that Mrs. Machel will be staying home from church to care for Michael for at least the next 3 years.

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