WORLD — Jolly old Saint Nick has decided to shake things up this Christmas season by increasing the consequences for naughty children. Instead of lumps of coal, misbehaving kids will find themselves unwrapping something even worse: a copy of The Marvels on Blu-ray.
Parents across the nation are reporting unprecedented levels of cooperation from their little ones, who are suddenly determined to be on their best behavior after Santa's announcement. It appears that the prospect of enduring the cinematic disaster that is The Marvels has struck fear into the hearts of even the most mischievous youngsters.
"I couldn't believe it when my son asked if he could help with the dishes," said one parent, Sally Yates, who was visibly shocked. "Normally, he runs in the opposite direction if he even hears the word 'chores.' But now? He's scrubbing baseboards, dusting ceiling fans, and folding laundry before I can even think to ask!"
When asked why he was changing the naughty list punishment this year, Santa replied: "Look--Disney sent me millions of unsold copies of these things. What else am I supposed to do with them?"
"This might be too harsh," complained one disgruntled parent. "Couldn't Santa have gone with something like a three-hour documentary on the history of dental floss? That would have been punishment enough."
At publishing time, the North Pole reported that for the first time in history, not a single kid was on the naughty list out of fear of enduring even one moment of The Marvels.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
