CHICAGO — Mayor Brandon Johnson advised Chicago reporters to stop using the word "Chicago" when describing anything that happens in Chicago because of all the negative connotations associated with Chicago.
"You can call it 'The Windy City' or 'Downtown Deep Dish' but do not, under any circumstances call it Chicago," said the mayor of Chicago. "That just wouldn't be appropriate."
The city formerly known as Chicago has been under particular strain of late due to large "mob-like" gatherings disrupting businesses with "loot-like" behavior. Mayor Brandon hopes that calling the city literally anything else will cause the problem to go away.
"There's history in this city. I don't want to be responsible for the birth of more ‘baby Al Capones'," Brandon said. "Only by hiding our problems with inoffensive language can we truly overcome them."
"And you can put that quote on an inspirational calendar," he added.
At publishing time, the crime rate of the City-Which-Must-Not-Be-Named continued to rise for some reason.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
