CHICAGO, IL — A Chicago judge ruled this week that a man previously arrested 23 times for various crimes would be totally rehabilitated if let off the hook this time around.
District judge Madeline Cartwright let 42-year-old serial robber, strangler, vagrant, rapist, and child abuser Jaquen Marcus off the hook following his 23rd arrest, with the assurance that this time would be different.
"I just know he's going to turn his life around this time," Cartwright said. "He's been in front of my bench for theft, larceny (whatever that is), assault, jaywalking, attacking an officer, making false arrest claims, racketeering (whatever that is), kidnapping, animal abuse, a few rapes, more kidnapping, more assault. But I know this time around, if I let him go, he'll straighten up and fly right."
Marcus assured the judge he was a changed man and would never ever commit another crime ever again as long as he lived.
"If you put me back out in those streets, I will join the local church choir and volunteer at the homeless shelter and help grandmas cross the street and donate all my money to the poor and eat only ethically sourced meat and turn off all my lights when I leave my house," Marcus said.
At publishing time, Marcus was back in front of Judge Carwright after slashing the tires of an ambulance that was trying to transport a man to the hospital to receive a heart transplant.
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