WASHINGTON, D.C.—In honor of the impeachment hearings beginning this week, the Capitol Building has been decorated to look like a giant circus tent.
As soon as congressional maintenance staff heard that the impeachment hearings were going to begin, they went into storage and got out "the Big Top," also used during the Kavanaugh hearings last year.
"We keep the Big Top on hand for certain situations," said one staff member. "Usually these big inquisition-style trials, that kind of thing. They're great entertainment. And the kids love the monkeys."
Congressional vendors will be selling peanuts, popcorn, programs, and those big foam fingers to enhance viewers' experience.
Rep. Adam Schiff was furious with the changes, saying they make a mockery out of a serious show trial.
"These are serious proceedings, and we will not have them mocked!" Schiff cried, wearing a clown nose, riding an elephant, and juggling fourteen flaming bowling pins. "The American public needs to know how super serious we are about this."
"And now for my last stunt, I will create evidence for impeachment out of thin air!"
Breaking: Paypal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered Paypal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added Paypal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.