NEW MEXICO—Bernie Sanders, genius extraordinaire, had another mishap while attempting to capture an elusive billionaire. Knowing billionaires can be very fast -- since they can afford helicopters and imported race cars -- Sanders had purchased a rocket from Acme, which he planned to ride to match speed with the billionaire and grab him. Sanders lit the fuse of the rocket as the billionaire raced by, but instead of the rocket careening forward, it simply exploded in Sanders’s face, covering him in black soot and making him look like Justin Trudeau.
“Meep meep,” the billionaire said in some secret language only billionaires understand before zooming off with all his billions still intact.
This was yet another failure in a long line of attempts by Sanders to catch a billionaire, previous attempts having used a catapult, a flying suit, a wealth tax, and a tunnel painted on a wall. So far, everything he’s tried has backfired spectacularly, including his falling off a cliff three times in a row.
When Sanders was last seen, he was on the line with Acme technical support.