U.S. - After defeating Canada at the only thing it was supposedly good at, the entire territory of Canada has been officially declared an American province.
"And to be clear, you're just a province. Being a state is for winners," announced President Trump. "We took you over and all we lost were a few teeth. This is so embarrassing for you."
At publishing time, Canada had admitted defeat and euthanized the national hockey team.
Rumors swirl about the current condition of Senator Mitch McConnell, but his staff have come out to say that even if he were dead he will still be able to finish his term.
