WASHINGTON, D.C. — Calvinism is reportedly in major decline after President Trump and Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. found the cure for autism.
The theological system of Calvinism is popularly known for its staunch belief in predestination and doctrinal precision. Experts also believe that many, if not all, the adherents of Calvinism are somewhere on the autism spectrum, exhibiting a lack of social skills and a hyperfocus on God's sovereignty.
"I think we found an answer," Trump announced. "1 in 36 people being born have autism now, and that's something that we are going to stop."
Ever since Trump announced the cure for autism, Calvinist church leaders have noticed a significant drop in church attendance and membership.
"That 1 in 36 of the American population is who we were reaching," said Pastor Michael Armentrout. "Now that autism has been cured, we have to reevaluate our church growth strategy and trust that this too is all part of God's plan."
"He is in control of how many autistic Calvinists there will be at any given time. I truly believe that."
At publishing time, Calvinist leaders were reportedly very confident that the Lord would preserve a chosen remnant who would resist the cure.
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