WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a savvy financial move, internet sex-trafficking giant Pornhub has acquired the television network C-Span after realizing the Federal government was staffed by a bunch of totally depraved and sexually perverted weirdos.
"This makes all the sense in the world," said company CEO Feras Antoon. "These senators, representatives, and staffers on Capitol Hill are exactly who we look for in, uh, talent. Without exaggeration, Washington is chock-full of narcissistic, sociopathic degenerates who would do anything in front of a camera to get attention."
Mr. Antoon went on to explain how the decision to acquire C-Span was made after graphically seeing what goes on in U.S. Senate hearing chambers.
"I can make a dollar off of that is what I said to myself," said Antoon. "Just turn on the cameras and let the viewers and ad revenue roll in!"
C-Span, or Cable-Satellite Public Affairs Network, was originally launched in 1979 as a non-profit public service that broadcasted the mundane proceedings of the Federal government. The network historically has not been a money-maker, after deciding to have no advertisements and not using any of its air time to solicit any kind of donations. They never once considered broadcasting all the debauched sex acts that were going on behind closed doors inside Federal government buildings.
"What a stupid business model," said Antoon. "If the federal government was smart like me, they could wipe out the national debt if they monetized this content themselves."
At publishing time, Pornhub had made yet another move, announcing the acquisition of the entire Federal Government.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
