WASHINGTON, D.C. — Only one day after Biden's miraculous recovery from cancer, White House sources have confirmed the President now has COVID. Doctors say that the twice-boosted president only has mild symptoms, but has tragically lost his keen sense of smell. The White House will continue to provide updates and notify the country if his condition worsens.

Vice President Harris has responded by preparing an inauguration speech and changing the curtains in the oval office.

When guns are finally banned in the coming utopia, you may still need to defend yourself on the rare occasion.