WASHINGTON, D.C.—Sources are reporting that Trump has dealt a killer blow in his ongoing war against his sworn enemy, the U.S. Post Office. In a move of sheer, mind-blowing brilliance, Trump directed the Post Office to put his face on every single stamp, forcing the Democrats to reverse course and abolish the institution once and for all.
The new stamp, dubbed "The Trump-Stamp," to be used on all pieces of mail features a smiling Donald Trump, with the caption "GREATEST PRESIDENT EVER."
Don Lemon broke the news in a tearful address to the nation last night. "Our democracy is over," he said. "It doesn't exist anymore. I will never send another piece of mail ever again, and neither should you or else you're a racist."
Antifa and BLM responded by marching on local post offices and burning them down. Enthusiastic Trump supporters quickly bought up all the stamps. They are now selling for $3,000 apiece online.