LEBANON — Video footage of several explosions flooded social media Wednesday as thousands more Hezbollah terrorists were killed by exploding CDs promising 200 free hours of America Online.
"Oh boy, 200 free hours of dial-up Internet!" said Ahmad Krikor, a terrorist on the FBI's most wanted list. Unfortunately, his brief joy was quickly vaporized into dust along with his body.
Israel is suspected to have intercepted a cache of unused AOL discs which they repurposed for a tactical advantage. In addition, CCTV footage picked up Yiddish operatives fleeing the scene of many detonations.
Unlike with this week's pagers, the AOL discs did not have the means to explode on their own. Instead, they were loaded with special malware that infected the terrorist computer and caused it to overload the disc drive, spinning the disc three times as fast. The extra friction on the disc, which was purportedly covered in a thin, clear coat of C4, caused the disc to rupture and the entire computer to explode. In many cases, it is believed the last thing the terrorist using the disc saw was AOL attempting to connect through their phone line, the strange modem clanging noises disguising the sound of the high-speed disc drive.
Though the strategy has been praised as a modern-day Trojan Horse, the UN has condemned the act as damaging the memory of America Online.
At publishing time, Israel had announced it would just use their space laser for future attacks.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
