U.S. — Although the public has long suspected visitors of the infamous "Epstein Island" were a veritable who's-who of high-ranking public officials and Hollywood celebrities, newly released court documents show that convicted human trafficker Jeffrey Epstein had just one client: a black bar.
"It is the court's opinion that Jeffrey Epstein trafficked victims to this curious-looking black bar that is found all throughout his client list," said the federal judge who ordered the public disclosure. "We're not sure what this means, or why it was connected with Jeffrey Epstein."
Many expected the list of names tied to Jeffrey Epstein to be so heavily redacted as to be useless, but we now know for certain that this black bar visited the so-called "Epstein Island" hundreds of times. "Finally, some transparency!" said District Attorney Gene Zendryk. "Perhaps the public can start trusting the government again."
"Finally, justice!" said an Internet sleuth later identified as Charles Heathrow. "There are hundreds of pages in Epstein's 'little black book' and this black bar is all over it. I'm glad the government is being completely open and honest with us for once."
The black bar appears to be connected to every major political scandal and terrorist attack in the last hundred years.
"The Bay of Pigs, JFK, 9/11... You name it, this black bar is involved," said FBI Director Christopher Wray. "Someone should find this thing."
At publishing time, a black bar was added to the number one spot of the FBI Ten Most Wanted List.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
