U.S.—The Border Patrol has been stripped of their horses, as they seemed to like riding them around and pretending to be Indiana Jones with their reins according to Jen Psaki and Joe Biden. Now, they are being issued fresh equipment: Segways and pool noodles, which will be used to keep unruly immigrants in line as they flood across the Rio Grande. "This represents a massive step forward for the treatment of people ignoring our laws entirely," said Psaki at a press conference Friday. When a reporter asked about how this would affect the border crisis, Psaki responded, "Would you like a chocolate chip cookie or a warm raisin cookie?" And everyone clapped. The new order handed down today will force the Border Patrol to wave their pool noodles and playfully slap immigrants as they come into the country, while the Segways will allow them to chase the refugees, so long as they stay on paved roads or travel through any kind of indoor mall. "This is a victory for all countries around the world," said Psaki. "Well, except one."
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