PALM BEACH, FL - Sources close to Donald Trump reported him trudging from his home office and heading straight for the espresso machine for the fourth time in as many hours, as the bleary-eyed true president had stayed up all night on his newly-launched TRUTH social media platform to delete any post making fun of him.
"I never said that! Deleted!"
"Fake tan? More like fake news! Deleted!"
Exclamations such as these reverberated through the spacious Florida mansion of the nation's favorite president throughout the night, putting all residents on edge. Melania, affected by Trump's all-nighter, was overheard screaming to her staff that she could not Be Best if she did not get a good night's sleep.
At around 2:00 AM, a team of TRUTH server engineers was seen requesting an audience with Trump to beg him to take a break, as Trump's relentless culling of derogatory posts had fried at least half of their servers and prevented the tens of millions of eager Americans from signing up.
Trump then took a moment to fire the loser server engineers and replace them with true American server engineers who had what it took to Make America Great Again™. He promptly returned to the patriotic task of deleting TRUTH posts making fun of him.
At publishing time, inside sources claimed Trump was now deleting any accounts containing the words "Romney," "Cheney," or "DeSantis2024."
Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.