WASHINGTON, D.C. - As Russia appears poised to invade Ukraine, Biden today issued a forceful statement warning Putin that if he does, America will evacuate haphazardly and leave $86 billion in weapons behind.
"Listen, folks...for real this time...no joke... I ain't kiddin' around here," said Biden to a gelatinous puddle of quivering goo on the ground he mistook for the press. "If Russia invades Ukraine, we will send a bunch of troops. And then we will immediately pull those troops out and leave all our state-of-the-art weapons behind. I'm not even messing around, Jack!"
General Milley confirmed that this tactic was a proven battlefield strategy used in Afghanistan and has promised to use it without remorse should Russia ever cross the United States. "If Russia invades, they will face the consequences," said General Milley, "in the form of billions of dollars worth of rifles, machine guns, night-vision goggles, and Black Hawk helicopters, left just for them."
"I'm warning them. And by that I mean, I will call Russia first and warn them," he said.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
