WASHINGTON, D.C. - With Russia poised to tear through Eastern Europe with terrifying military power, Biden warned Putin that if he doesn't stop advancing his army, he will be forced to deploy his deadly trans admiral.
"You think I'm joking, Vlad! I ain't messin' around here! You don't want me to use this!" said Biden to Putin in a Zoom call, motioning to a portrait of transgender admiral and Assistant HHS Secretary Admiral Rachel Levine. "This is the deadliest weapon the United States has ever produced, and I won't hesitate to use it on you! Watch out!"
Diversity and inclusion experts speculate the firepower in just one trans admiral is capable of leveling 3 Russian cities to the ground using the incredible destructive power of intersectional identity politics. Foreign policy experts believe Russia is outmatched by America's stunning diversity and inclusion capabilities and will soon be forced to surrender.
Sources say Ukrainian citizens will certainly sleep better tonight knowing the power of diversity is on their side.
Watch as a fired Twitter employee applies for her first *actual* job: