WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Joe Biden unveiled Thursday an ambitious six-point plan to both end the threat of COVID-19 and completely dismantle the liberty-loving United States as we all know it.

"We face two big threats," Biden said at a press conference, "the coronavirus and individual freedom. I have a plan to take care of both in six easy steps."

Biden then went through each of the points of his six-point plan, which were written on a poster behind him.

Point one was mandatory vaccinations for everyone, with no exceptions.

Point two was masks on everyone everywhere and also dogs and large birds.

Point three was just to ignore the Constitution and hope the Supreme Court doesn't notice. "They're always busy," Biden further explained, "so if we're real quiet and maybe just violate the Consitution after business hours when the Supreme Court is closed, they might not even know anything is going on."

Point four was just the word, "Marxism." "I always thought that was malarkey," Biden said, "but the young people in my party seem to love it."

Point five was lockdowns. "Just lock it all down," Biden stated. "No one is allowed to do anything. But don't tell the Supreme Court I'm not allowing you to do anything... unless we can lock them down too."

Point six simply read, "Listen, Jack!" and Biden didn't elaborate further.

Biden didn't take any questions after his presentation, as he immediately fell asleep.